Bun Without an Oven

The checks and balances set up to make a match are there for a reason. Our agency can only rely on the information provided by the GC applicants. Only our clinic can do the full medical review. That’s the beauty and heartbreak of this process. It’s set up to work the way that it does, to protect all parties involved. And that’s exactly what happens. The stars NEED to align. Buy-in, commitment, faith in this process, it all needs to be unquestionable from all sides. We’re not buying a used car here. This is about bringing life into the world. A completely loved and wanted child, so for him, it needs to be right. 

We’re way behind our planned schedule. And I don’t know if this is normal because we have nothing to compare to. We don’t know if 3-4 potential matches falling through before you find your person, is normal and to be expected in this space. That’s the frustrating part of fertility in all aspects. There are no absolutes. There is only complexity. You can control only those few things you can control, the majority is honestly a crap shoot. 

I let myself feel sad when I need to. I usually go for a long run and have a good cry. That makes me feel better. But one thing I refuse to do is dispair. Being steadfast in that, is so fucking hard. It is sooooo easy to spiral. To think that if Wisconsin had worked out, we could have been in the third trimester by now. To be mad at everyone – our agency for not delivering what they’ve promised – our clinic for being too picky – this candidate #3 for taking so long to decide she didn’t want to move forward. But that. Serves. No. Purpose. In the end, the anger and hurt, while very real emotions that need to be felt, they need to be checked, because in reality, they don’t make me feel better. If I can wish candidate #3 the very best for her life, and thank her for even considering going down this road with us, I can free myself from this negativity and sadness. (Literally bursting into tears typing this, but I know it’s true.)

Last year I was at the Hannover Messe for work. I attended a panel on Women in Manufacturing, and the host, a woman from Microsoft, shared her experiences of trying for a family, how hard it is to go through infertility and go to work every day, and put aside the let-downs as if this massive thing isn’t also happening in parallel to your career. I was SO taken aback by her honesty. I’ve never heard a woman, or anyone for that matter, speak her truth about the journey to parenthood so openly in this professional setting (It’s time to change, this am I right!?!). I was in tears by the end and had to thank her in person for sharing her struggles. She literally took my hands in hers, looked me in my eyes and told me to never give up. It took her 5 years but she has two wonderful kids and her family is complete. So strange to have these words from a total stranger repeat in my head so often, but they do. I think about her all the time and especially after every disappointment.

Writing this blog is so cathartic, it hurts so fucking much and it feels so fucking good at the same time. Disclaimer, sometimes I write as “we”, because Jan and I experience a lot of the same things and have shared emotions – to be fair to him though, these blogs are mine and from my perspective. So if I start writing as “I” – that’s me. Not to say I don’t know how my husband is feeling. I 100% do. But the beautiful thing about our marriage is that we are still two individuals. We give each other space when we need it, but we are a solid unit and this is our project – we’ll make it happen together.